OH MY FREAKIN GOSH. I DESPISE BEING STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF H.S, EMO DRAMA

Honestly I dont even know How I got stuck in the middle of it in the first place. 

Seriously, H.S.....NO......MIDDLE SCHOOL DRAMA BITS BALLS MAN!!!!

Seriously.....getting jealous bcoz I am #1 on their freaking top 8. SERIOUSLY???

 OH MY FREAKING GOSH. EVERYONE IN MY YOUTH GROUP IS FREAKING EMO.

I IMMENSELY DESPISE HAVING A CRUSH. 

IT'S LIKE A SPASM. IT JUST LEAVES.....THEN COMES RIGHT BACK.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED. THIS IS SERIOUSLY NOT WHAT I NEED.

ARRRGGGGGHHHHH.............. It has gotten to the point where  I even pray to God that he takes away this feelings from me.

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I LIKE HIM. ARGH. THIS IS ANNOYING

....... forgot how it felt to have a crush on someone to the point where I don't even know how to handle it properly.

1. ..... Get away form this madness I call my Youth Group. As much as I love my youth Group for the ENTIRE month of October and beginning of November. I saw them or will see them. Not only that I have to attend meetings that is more than 1 hr away. That is only the beginning. Being a leader takes up a lot of ones time and I really wish I just had AT LEAST one weekend to myself.


2. ...... stop crushing on HIM coz its drivin me nuts. It has got to the point where I analyze it too much, drive myself into delusion and begin to think that we won't get along. Ever. Plus he's kinda narsiccistic. I find it pathetic, because I think every sign of stinkin affection is a sign that he likes me. I am such a freaking idiot. honestly this person is such a complex person and trying to figure him out is like trying to solve Pi. He is soo affectionate and caring that you don't knw where the eff you stand. AND I AM STILL ON THIS STUPID SUBJECT OF CONFUSION. Even though it was clearly stated, but your actions are way more different than your words.  I really just want to take a break from him or better yet. I want to just confess to him and say-

" Listen. I like you a lot. I don't stinkin know why but I just do. For some odd reason you attract me. Your narcissitic, forgetful, confusing as eff, you don't even realize and recognize the friends you have in return hurting them, and the worst part is...YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF SELF AS OF YET. You seriously have no idea who you are and the worst part is, ITS DAMAGING ME. why? Its because you have such a boyish nature and I have a motherly side, that you feed it. I really am bullshitting myself. but I seriously don't understand why the f*&^ I like you. I really don't. You are so damn affectionate and caring, but you say bullshit to me. At the meeting, whenever i am around, you call for my damn attention or ask for it, YOU NEVER DO IT TO THE OTHER SISTERS & most of the sisters in that meeting you already knew,  or am I just bullshitting myself AGAIN. At practice why did you tug on my shirt to ask me if I was mad at you? when I already acknowledge your existance,, Why did you start serenading me and the words you used were, "you are so beautiful" or "you make me smile", why the f*&^ did you tug my shirt to pull me back when I walked away from you because it creeped you out when I was touching your face to see what you have done to your eyebrows, Why the f*&^ did you ask me to hangout with you after the meeting. It's really stupid because I know how to handle you. I know in reality that is just the way you are. In reality I know you don't like me. I know for a fact that you don't want anything romantic with me. I don't want to get into another relationship again either. I know that you treat me differently then the other sisters, how? because when I ignore you or treat you LIKE EVERYONE ELSE you call for my damn attention or am I just bullshitting myself again. But shit I really hate being confused and now my friends are tired of listening to me rant about you. Now I understand why girls hate you, why the sisters don't agree with you. Even though I like you, you make me want to distance myself from you because you are EFFING CONFUSING ME!!!! I just really wish I can distance myself from you because now I am too insecure to get close to you not even that.....I don't even have the energy now to get to know you. I seriously think I am bullshitting myself when I think of you. I just want to focus on school"

I'm not  crying. Just really upset. One day I will just blow up on him & go nuts.
God has something planned for me. I just have to be patient. Oh please give me strength.




3........ just focus on school.

Fin. I'm done.

After all this emotion of liking a person. I am going through a stage of pitiness where I pity the person instead of anything else. This is so horrible. 

Mayb Im bitter. hm. 

.......when you really think you know a persons intent but in reality you don't. 

Males are really confusing people. 

Well only in some cases. Have you ever met a guy that is very affectionate, very touchy (kinda like laminsky), kind, caring, unique, accomodating, but really has a nasty temper, but all in all he is a really sweet guy.

Then as a girl you go into this mode where.........when he astarts talking to you, this trigger your head goes off and then you begin to think that does he really like you ? and then your head starts comming up with these excuses as to why he may like you, then you go all nuts thinking that he really likes you. WHEN IN REALITY, YOU KNOW that it's just his personality and you are just exaggerating the situation. The worst thing about guys like that is.......as a girl you really dont know where you stand. Does he want to be friends or does he want something more?

well yes I am in that position. Man it really sucks being a girl.

And now that I have spoken to him. He had a personal explanations come up where he was explaning his position. And these words really relieved me and relaxed my emotions. "She was my 1st and last GF". That really brought me to a halting stop because now I am sure that he just wants to be friends with me. Coz as of now he really has other things to focus on. 

Its just Ireally hate it when I am in a position where I am not clear of the relationship or the goal. I really despise that. Coz as a girl I go nuts.

But its good to know that we have established the fact that our relationship is strictly mutual. GOOD !!! Damn.

Lastly I despise technology

I believe I am a firm believer in Natural beauty.

I don't think women need plastic/cosmetic surgery in-order for them to look beautiful. But majority women have been brainwashed with this ideal  sense of beauty where they have to be really skinny or have a certain look inorder to fit in. 

Women want to stand out or be different from other women, but at the same time they take so much time to get cosmetic surgery to LOOK LIKE other women, such as imitating celebrity looks. We are hypocirtes.

Honestly people need to know how to work with their bodies and work with what they have. 

There could be medical reasons as to why some people can't grow thin, such as a slow metabolism.  Also my anaatomy lab teacher thought of this question, does size of hips have a contribution to anorexia ? because anorexics want to as thin as possible, but because women naturally have bigs hips for child bearing purposes do they understand that they cnt get thin.

Also, sometimes being skinny doesn't fit everyone people. I believe there are people who look prettier if they have meat.  Like Monique, if she got any skinnier she wouldnt have the affect she has on people today.

Good thin about today is that 'big" women are slowly being accepted in society, such as  Mia Taylor a top model, Queen Latifah, actress model, rapper, maybelline sopkesperson, & Monique, comedian & an advocator for the beauty in big women. 

Lastly, God made you who you are and I personally believe he made you that way to stand out among the crowd. Everyone is a unique individual made in his own likeness. So beauty is inevitable.

Well this is a biased POV since it came from a girl who disregarded societies views on thick women & advocates natural beauty, and who also after a few years & with the help of God accepted herself.

Some men are ruled by their Penis and only thier penis. So their comments should be disregarded and considered garbage.

Men are subconcious about their body too. Some men are just to prideful to admit it. Seessh....... man pride.

I foudn out that they are still comming. I am seriously going through an panic/anxiety moment. I really dont think their parents have told them about it

Wow it has beeen a while since I have updated. Okay so I will now vent.

OH MY FREAKING COW !!!!!! I DESPISE THIS SITUATION.

Where I am trying to hold a beautiful, peaceful, & NON SEGREGATED, NON-SEXIST CAMP BUT I DONT KNOW IF THAT WILL EFFING HAPPEN.

Y.....do you know who are the causes of this breakdown. The Reyes. 3......not  5 or 10.............but 3 DANG PEOPLE CAN RUIN THE ENTIRE MOTHER....CAMP.

Y ????  its because they are DICTATORS................. & I WILL FREAKIN BIATCH MY HEAD OUT IF THEY DARE.............DARE........STEP ON MY CAMP GROUNDS AND TAKE ORDER.

Do you know how bad it has gotten. Majority of the people DON'T WANT THEM THERE & THEY CAN'T TAKE A DANG HINT.

I Will be so effing insensitive if they ever step on my camp grounds and Take over.............Now I have to pray  & ask for guidance.

DANG IT !!!!!!!       X(

I promise. Most of these girls dont even look 18. They lie on their applications,

I am ignorant about this topic but. This supports my theory that beauty pagents just judge beauty. I mean COME ON !!!! This thing had to be rigged or something. To answer a question that pertains to Americans not knowing where the US is on the map, with the words........Iraq.............and................SOUTH AFRICA. Where is the America in this ??????

as of now she is being publicly humiliated by most tangable mediums and is the biggest hit on the internet. but doesnt she represent American culture or at least the education system ?????

hmmmm.........

Sometimes the best things in life end with a simple, "Thank you"

Thank you's makes my heart smile because after a long day of work. Even if one person acknowledges it or appreciates, you feel good. At least I feel good. Also it makes me go on a temporary high.

I swear, God purposely made me find that site accidentally. Coz now I finally built the one thing YFC need......A website......n for Eric to say thank you, really made my heart smile because he said thank you. And after a long day of working on that website, for him to show his appreciation make me feel satisfied.

Honestly, I prefer a sincere Thank you over a lump sum of money. Coz that makes me feel rich inside. It makes me feel good.

I like thank you's. Thank you God.